Time To Move On

You and I. We were amazing. Everyone thought we were dating. But we ignored it. We were just the best of friends trying to survive high school together. We knew that we had something special. So we just laughed it off and kept on. Whether we were bored, sad, happy, or just hyper, we were always there for each other.  Through the relationships and the breakups, all yours, we stuck through it together. I loved it when I would pick up my phone to call you and it would start ringing. You were already calling me. We spent endless amounts of time on the phone together, talking about everything, and often, talking about nothing as well. I loved it when we would go get coffee in the mornings together before school. That didnt happen often, but I always treasured those times when we would be be exhausted from staying up all night talking and then waking up early to get coffee. Always worth it. Always.

I loved going to the theater where you worked and sitting in the theater and looking up at the window and seeing you wave at me. I loved buying sunglasses with you. I loved it when we went to that expensive mall and tried on $500 glasses and giggled as we put them away. I remember eating at Olive Garden together and sharing a meal. I remember ghostriding and all those times we got lost on that dirt road. I remember when we took that 10 mile drive at the monument and took over 200 pictures. I didnt know that it was going to be one of our last times alone together. I remember seeing Marley and Me with you. We both cried. You made me promise I wouldnt tell anyone. And I havent.I loved doing things with you that most people dating would do. It was so much fun.

I still remember when we first met. It was at a friends 8th grade graduation party. You spilled Sprite all over my outfit. And we both had braces. And we liked each other. My feelings for you didnt last long, but I know yours did, and Im sorry if I made you think we ever had a chance. Because we didnt. We came from different backgrounds. Different religions. Different friends. But somehow, we became the best of friends.

But now high school has ended, and it seems, so has our friendship. Our amazing friendship that we thought no one could ever break. But it happened. You changed. And I changed too. I know you dont understand it. And really, neither do I. But its time to move on. I will meet other friends, and you will too. I doubt I will ever be able to find someone quite like you. Someone so funny and someone who knew me so well. Believe me. Ive tried to replace you, and even though I do have amazing best friends,  you will never be replaced.

Thank you for listening to me talk about boys. Thank you for watching chick flicks with me. Thank you for driving me around. Thank you for always trying to fix my car. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for always making me laugh, especially when I felt like crying. Thank you for listening to me complain about my parents and always being supportive. Thank you for listening to me complaining about girls. Thank you for listening to me complain about being single,  I know that must have been painful for you to listen to.

Im sorry I dyed my hair  brown right before prom. I know you were expecting to go with a blonde. Im sorry that night was so awkward. I was so focused on someone else I didnt realize how lucky I was to be with you that night. Im also sorry for making you suffer on the phone when you called to ask me to the prom. I had no idea that you had feelings for me. I was waiting for someone better, but truefully, you were the best, and I regret being that way. Im sorry for fighting so much. I should have let you be. Maybe we could have spent more time together laughing instead of fighting. I know you regret fighting so much too.

People still call you my boyfriend. And I still have to tell them that weve never dated. And they still dont believe me. I still think about you constantly. And when I see a car that looks just like yours, I always do a double take, just hoping, maybe you will be inside. And you still call me. And my heart always jumps when you do. But I cant bring myself to call you back. Not now. Not after what I have learned.

Its time to move on. You have your life now and I have mine. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop regretting. Its over now. I cant change what happened. Its time to take down the pictures in my room of us. There are quite a few. Its time to delete your locked texts. Its time to delete the music that I hate, but I had because I knew you liked it. Its time to put your earrings that you gave me away. Its time to stop talking about you to others. Its not fair to talk to people about a situation that wont be resolved.

One day, maybe we can meet up again and pick up where we left off. Maybe. But for now. This is goodbye. I know you will have amazing times in college, and I pray you will stay safe and make the right decisions. I will always miss you and things will still remind me of you, but I need to move on now and I hope you will too.

I Moved! Being Single!

So, earlier today I decided I wanted to blog tonight about what’s been going on with me lately. But first off, I moved! I was on blogger but I decided to move to wordpress. So please be patient with me while I figure this out. It took me about four hours to come up for a name for this, and I finally decided on slow down time for the url. Slow Down Time is a song by Jeremy Camp and it’s basically how I’m feeling lately. And Here’s My Life is a song by Barlow Girl. But I’m not sure if I will keep that. It’s a work in progress lol.

Alright, now onto what I really wanted to talk about. I recently finished a book called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris that a good friend of mine lent me. It really got me thinking. Lately I’ve been having a lot of trouble because I’ve liked this guy for quite some time. He’s a really neat guy who loves the Lord as much as I do. I’ve know him for two years now.  He basically was the only consistent guy I had in my life. No matter what was going on I always knew I could talk to him and I knew I could depend on him. The possibility of liking him never even crossed my mind until about a year ago.

Starting this year I started realizing how neat this guy really was.  We talked a lot at work but not so much at school. I soon learned he liked me too.But finding out he liked me starting changing how I viewed him and how I acted towards him. You see, I’m fine talking to guys, but once I like someone, I have a hard time talking to them. It’s really annoying after a while.  Recently though, I’ve been watching him more closely, and I’ve realized that it’s not worth my time to be thinking about him so much or to be hoping he’ll ask me out. And let me explain this. It’s not so much him, but it’s me.

You see, throughout most of high school until my senior year I always wanted a boyfriend. At one point I was even willing to change things about myself for a certain boy. But I soon realized how dumb that was. Now, being 18, I  feel too young to date  almost. Like at this point in my life what could I really offer a guy? Right now, all I can offer is friendship.

I’d like to tell you a little story. When I was younger, about 6th grade, I really wanted to go see the first Lord of the Rings movie. But my mom wouldn’t let me at first because she thought I was too young for it. After a lot of begging my mom finally gave in and let me go. But she warned me that I might get scared and certain images that were in the movie might stay with me forever. I did what any kid would do and just shrugged her off. “Yeah okay mom whatever” and I went. I ended up being scared to death. Of course, Lord of the Rings isn’t a bad movie, but for me, at that age, it was the first movie like that I had ever seen, and it led me to becoming obsessed with the movies, the actors, everything about it. And up through high school I continued to be obsessed with tv shows, movies and actors. Seeing that movie had completely changed the things I liked.

What does this have to do with dating? Well… it’s like I ask God, “Why can’t I have a boyfriend?”

And he answers, “Not yet, you’re too young.”

And of course, I don’t understand why God could possibly say this to me. “But it seems like everyone else has one!”

“But you’re too young. You’re not ready. ” God patiently answers again.

“Please God, I won’t be happy without a boyfriend!”

And let’s say God gives in and brings a boy into my life. We date for a while but then we break up and I’m left with a broken heart and bitter towards God. This changes everything in my life and has bad repercussions for things in the future.

But if I just listen to God right now and trust in what he doing in my life, then I know that everything will work out when the time is right. You see a lot of people my age are dating. But there are also a lot of people who aren’t. And finally, I feel content  being single. I realize that right now is not the time to be dating. I am about to start college. I will have to balance my job with college and everything else going on. If I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t have the time that he would deserve to have and that a relationship would need. Right now I feel like I just need to focus on growing in the Lord and seeing what his plans are, and when the time is right, I know he will bring along the boy for me. You see, God has a perfect plan for me, and the right boy for me. But if I try to hurry it up or take things into my own hands, then I will be missing out on what God really has in store for me.

Yes I will still struggle with wishing I had someone now and then, but I really think  something has changed lately in me, and now I am learning what I want in a boyfriend and what I don’t want, and I really think I’m better for it.

So this is what has been though my mind lately. It may not make much sense because I am finishing this at 4AM. I am probably going to come back to this tomorrow and rewrite this, but I just wanted to share.

Oh My Goodness!

Has it really been so long since I have posted a blog on here? Oh my. Where did the time go? I seem to be asking myself that question almost everyday. You see, I’m about to graduate from high school. And everyday I just keep asking myself, where did the time go? I have about 16 days left of high school…. Then my life is really going to start. And I don’t know how I’m going to begin it. Oh yes I’m going to college. Oh yes I have a steady job. But what do I want to do? I have no idea. I’m scared to death but so excited. It’s time for a change.
So I’m changing everything. That includes this blog. Yes, it is still inside my ever changing mind, but now with a different focus. College. Oh wow. So will you come with me on this journey? I don’t know where it will lead but I will definitely post my adventures on here, and who knows, maybe with some pictures as well.

Flat Tire

So… today.. I was looking forward to it. I was going to a white elephant party with my youth group. I was gonna dress up and everything. I was excited. Before I could go to the party, I had to go clean a house for my mom. On the way home my car felt a little weird but I disregarded it and just thought about how excited I was and how I had to hurry to get home to get ready. As I was driving, I noticed that there was a really bad accident down the road and that all the cars in front of me were turning around. I had to turn around too and go completely out of my way to get home. I tried not to freak and kept driving. I could do this. I could get home and change fast and leave…. but then…. I heard someone’s horn honking. The truck next to me frantically waved at me, pointing to my back tire.

I had a flat.

Yeah. I called my best friend and told her immediately that I probably wasn’t going to be able to go to the party. Let’s face it. I wasn’t dressed, had no makeup on, and there was no way that my mom could possibly meet me to help. So I was alone. I drove to the nearest car place and they told me they didn’t work on tires. Of all things. But they put air in them and sent me to a place down the street. Down the street they told me that they didn’t have the tires I needed. They also put air in my tires and sent me to another place. But this place was like twenty minutes away. I prayed hard that I would make it.

I did make it though, got there ok. Even though it was really wobbly and scary. I was actually shaking when I got to the place. So the man comes out to my car to check the tires and he goes “Oh my God.” All of my tires are really bad, and I have been putting it off for a long time, just thinking that I will get them eventually. But obviously I didn’t get them in time. He was amazed that I was still driving on them and that this hadn’t happened earlier. So I went back inside with the man and he helped me out to get the right price.

Today was insane. But it could have been worse. I could have been in that horrible car accident. The men at all of those car places could have been jerks. But I wasn’t in a car accident. The men were all nice and helpful and made me feel like I was really getting taken care of. There is a lot of evil in this world, but there is still good out there too.

So what’s the point to this? I have been told for months that I needed tires. By my parents, by the car places themselves. But I had this attitude of, “Oh I really don’t need them that bad. I will get them later. It’s okay. It will all work out.” Obviously, it didn’t work out. I put it off so long that I got a flat and it ruined my day. Boy I learned my lesson.

Some people are the same way about God. They think that they can just put off coming to know him and getting their lives straight. They think their lives are so good just as they are and they don’t want to give up certain things. They think that they can just do it later and it will be okay. Well yeah God will accept you no matter who you are or what you’ve done. But do you really want to wait? Anything could happen. You could get in a car accident and die without accepting God. Now how horrible would that be? Knowing that there was a God out there who loved you and wanted the best for you, but you ignored him thinking that you could do it later.

Or, you are already a Christian, but….there’s that song that you like. It’s not exactly appropriate, but you like the beat and think it’s okay to listen to. It’s not like one song will kill anyone.

There’s that guy that you like. Yeah he’s cute and funny. He always gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside. But he doesn’t know God. So you think, oh well it won’t matter. I will just date this one guy and then get back on track.

But wouldn’t you rather spend your life living it the way God intended you to? Yeah that song is fun, yeah that guy does seem amazing. But nothing is more amazing than what God has planned for you.

So don’t wait. Don’t ignore that feeling inside of you. It’s there for a reason.

Your Voice Matters

So I’m sick. Like really sick. With a cold. And I’ve lost my voice. So it’s hard for me to talk. I sometimes have to repeat things and to get people to understand me I feel like I’m shouting, when really I’m only whispering.
Have you ever felt like that? Where you feel like you are shouting but no one can hear you? You want to talk but no one will listen? Or they do listen, they just don’t pay attention to what you are really saying?
I have felt that way sometimes. Today it has sometimes been painful to talk. My voice just can’t handle all the coughing. It’s sometimes like that even on days when I feel fine. It’s still painful to talk.
I have a hard time trusting people. It seems like when I do they always betray my trust. I am blessed to have a few good friends that I can trust, but other than that sometimes I feel like I can’t say what I truly want to say.
I guess the point of this is that sometimes it’s hard to speak up. But don’t get discouraged. There are people out there who care and respect you.
It’s really hard nowadays when so many people have so many different opinions. Opinions that we as Christians never thought would get so much support, like abortion and gay marriage. I honestly don’t know where this world is coming to, but I hope we as Christians can stay strong and speak up for what we believe in no matter what the cost.

Oh No Way!!

So, first post. Definately not my last, might be the first for a while. Who knows? I’m so new at this blogging thing it’s not even funny. I shall try not to bore with you with trivial things in my life, but hey, it’s my blog so I’ll blog about what I want.
So I’ll get right to my point.
Have you ever noticed how many things in our society advertises love?
Whether it be through tv commercials promoting jewelery, or a movie about high school, love is everywhere.
Seriously today I walked past my tv in the living room and I hear that stupid saying “Every kiss begins with Kay.”
UGH. Makes me want to pull my hair out. NO you don’t need a guy to make you feel beautiful.
I turn the radio on and almost every song is about love, whether it be positive or negative.
It’s so hard nowadays to keep your head on straight. Trust me. I know.
How to keep your head on straight you ask?
Well first, and most obvious, keep on the right path, don’t let yourself get distracted by meaningless things in the media.
How do you do that?
Stay in the Word, stay close to God.
Trust in God. I know how hard that is, how hard it is to wait, but it’s worth it.
I watch the people around me go through relationships like they’re a bag of chips. Ok weird analogy. It was the first thing that came to my mind, deal with it.
They just don’t work in high school. (Which I’m currently in) I honestly haven’t seen one successful relationship yet.
I have chosen to stay single, and even though I’ve gone through a lot of hard phases, I think that I’m better off for it. The stories I’ve heard make me ache for the teens out there who have put their heart out there just for it to be walked all over.
Just wait. High school goes by so fast, enjoy it. Enjoy the friends you make, enjoy the dances, enjoy the assemblies, enjoy the late nights out. You don’t need a boyfriend to enjoy these things, and hey, your grades might be better because of it.